Improving Communication and Trust in Your Homeschool

Summary:

How does effective communication contribute to a successful homeschooling experience? What steps can be taken to improve communication between partners and ensure that both have their needs and ideas heard?

On this episode of Show Me Homeschool, Erin and Joe discuss the importance of communication in homeschooling, highlighting the challenges they faced and how they overcame them through trust, openness and honesty, and involving each other in the decision-making process. They offer insights and tips for creating a healthy homeschooling environment and encourage listeners to seek support and guidance from others in the homeschooling community.

Cristy Stebelton, Podcast Editor:  Podcast With Faith
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Transcript:

[1:12] If you would have heard our pre-roll, he would... Just do the pre-roll stuff instead of this.

Yeah, he was telling me where to sit with the mic and I'm like, don't tell me where to sit.

That's our communication skills right there. We're very direct.

Yeah, we just dive in.

To be honest, I don't want to have a lot of fluff on these podcasts.

I think it's important that we just dive right in and if it's a tough topic, I don't care.

Let's talk about it. You'll quickly learn that Joe and I are not the best at small talk.

That's just not who we are.

We really want to hit the topics that are, you know, on our minds really strongly.

And both of us have that strong personality where our communication skills have not always has been the best despite the fact that we have a podcast together.

And maybe that's obvious by now. So when we talk about communication as it pertains to homeschooling, I can trace the root to a lot of our problems with my frustrations, your frustrations, with just a real lack of communication and not just not talking, but really not communicating what our own expectations were.

Sure.

[2:31] So, when we first started this journey of home education with our kids, while we're fostering, while we're dealing with all of this transition in our home on a constant basis, what were your thoughts about the way that I communicated, you know, how I wanted to homeschool or what that was going to look like in our home to start there?

Right, so you, I can't remember exactly what's called that seven or eight intelligence book, I can't remember. The Eight Great Smarts. Yes, thank you.

You have some sort of self-intelligence, I'm probably butchering it.

[3:11] But you know your thoughts really well.

You know where you stand, you know your values extremely well, your principles, and all of those things are really obvious to you.

So I think sometimes you struggle to communicate those to other people where it's obviously not on purpose or anything, but it's almost like I should be able to just read those things from you really easily and I couldn't and sometimes I still can't.

So I think for you it was being able to communicate what was really going on inside of you, what was really meaningful to you, how you saw things, the map in your brain, whatever to me and I had to be patient and maybe sometimes tease those things out of you or not take things personally.

I think I struggled with that quite a bit, where if you had an idea or wanted to change things in the house, I took it as like I was failing or something instead of just hearing about what's important to you or you wanted to go with homeschooling or marriage or whatever.

[4:18] And I think I've heard a lot of other women talk about this. I almost feel like I had to.

[4:24] Sales pitch you if I wanted a curriculum. I had to prove to you that it was the best, and I was going to use it, and all these things, which are great things for you to check up on.

You don't want to be a poor steward of your gifts that you've been given with your finances or with your time or your energy. You just don't want to be a poor steward of your life.

And so we just, I remember early on really feeling frustrated because I was trying to communicate to you. You were more hands-off at that time. I think kind of having that mindset, we talked about in the first episode of this is your thing, you know, like you're just going to, it's your responsibility. You're going to have to figure this out. And then, but then it wasn't just that I was going to have to figure it out. I was going to also have to sell you on the things that I needed to buy or I felt like would be important to have for the kids.

Right, because money was tight for us at that time.

And when we had moved to homeschooling, it was a big move for me because you had been working some and that was around 2008 kind of stuff.

So there was markets were down, hiring was down, raises, all that stuff wasn't happening.

You worked in a company that was consistently having layoffs.

So every time around October, it's like, are we going to have money for Christmas?

Are we going to have a job for Christmas?

[5:49] It was a lot of stress for a lot of years. Right.

We hardly took vacations, maybe to see family like once a year.

Things just, we didn't do a lot of extra.

So when you talk about having to pay high taxes where we lived and pay for everything else with curriculum and stuff, that was really hard for me to hear.

Like, you know, is there anything else, anything else that we could do?

So I didn't, I think there was a lack of trust in how much you had researched, you know, internet, through your friends, through support groups, there was not a trust that that was the best thing for a family and that you had thought and thought and thought about it before presenting it to me.

I wanted to look for a cheaper option or have you thought of this, have you thought of that and you're like, just can we just do this?

I've thought about it a thousand different ways, and this is what I want to do.

Just trust me.

[6:44] Yeah. And a lot of around our area, we have curriculum use, curriculum sales, we have a big homeschool conference that we try to go to. So in those early years, there was a lot of talk of curriculum. I was able to get my hands on some stuff and physically see it, flip through it. So it was really frustrating for me when I was trying to tell you like.

[7:07] I actually had my hands on this book. My friend uses this. I know that she really has seen success with this. This is what I think would be great for the way our kids learn." And so it took probably several years for us to get to the point where it wasn't feeling like we were going to get into an argument at the beginning of the school year to argue. And so this is perfect timing for the episode airing as we're getting into the prep for the new school year coming up. And sorry, July 1st signifies the first days of the new school year where you count hours, we have to count hours here. And so we're right in the thick of getting started into solidifying our plans for the year and signing up for classes and co-ops and all those things.

So it's kind of triggering to talk about all this again, where for many years, it was such a source of stress in our marriage and our finances and homeschooling to get to a place where you could see progress. And I think that that helped was that when we did spend and then money investing in the curriculum choices that I'd picked.

And then you saw me using them and you saw the kids learning and making progress.

[8:17] Then little by little, those things builds up that trust that like, okay, something's working right here. The kids are doing well. She's using this stuff.

We're getting through it.

[8:28] Right. I think something that really helped too was because of my lack of exposure to homeschooling, There was a temptation to bring public school home with, I expected to see a bunch of textbooks, a bunch of curriculum, a bunch of worksheets, grading software that maybe helps you manage all that kind of stuff.

I was expecting to see mounds of books and paperwork that was expensive.

[8:57] And I think over time in our homeschool journey, we have basically kind of come to the conclusion And after seeing so many other people do it, seeing what works for our family, our individual kids in our family, is that you could homeschool successfully with a library card and even a slow internet connection.

Like, you don't necessarily have to have all these things that I thought we would have to pull from public school and do at home.

So I think that helped. We didn't feel like we maybe had to spend so much.

But yeah, there's definitely a lot of trust in you over time that I was starting to see the results.

Of whatever we chose, however expensive or cheap it was, the kids were learning, they were having fun, they could tell me about what they were learning, I could see it.

[9:51] Right. So when it came to the communication, I think my style had to change from, getting defensive about my choices or my recommendations to, you know, having that confidence like, hey, you know, I'm showing you this is working, you know, like you said, it didn't necessarily mean that the things that I was showing you that we wanted to, that I wanted to get were expensive. It wasn't even a cost thing all the time. It was just really that idea of, do we really need this? And, you know, and honestly, there have been times where we've bought curriculum that we didn't use and we hated it, or we did start using it and found out that it just didn't fit with our family culture or the way that we had.

[10:39] Gotten into our rhythm with homeschooling.

Your schedule, yeah.

Yeah. And so, I think for me, it took taking a step back of like, I don't need to be defensive about this. I really feel confident in my decision. And a lot of that confidence came from.

[10:53] The support of my friends and the homeschool community around me and going to curriculum fairs to see what other options there were and seeing like, you know what, maybe I don't need this book to teach this thing. Maybe they can learn it through links through the internet or through the library. And so, there was a learning curve for me too because I love books.

I'm constantly finding books for my own self to read. So, that's like a whole other conversation.

But I think just having that mindset shift in myself of I don't need to be defensive about this, and then really seeing us grow as a team.

And it wasn't like I felt like it was me against you at some level.

And I know I've talked with other homeschool moms in my circle too who have had similar experiences like, you know, I'm not trying to blow the budget on curriculum.

I'm not trying to make your life more difficult. do you have to work more hours to get the money to provide? It was truly just, you know, here's what I think that we need and your ability to trust me, so.

Paul Right. And I think as our marriage improved over the years, our homeschool improved. Do you agree?

Kirsten Definitely. Paul So to say that, I think the next logical step is obviously our marriage is intertwined with homeschool.

Kirsten Mm-hmm. Thank you.

[12:18] Talk about that. Okay. So, yeah, I think the maturity of, you know, being able to appropriately express what our needs are. I mean, that's like a whole other thing with marriage and in homeschooling. You know, we like to talk about in the homeschool circles that I'm in, just the sanctification process of homeschooling. Like you think you're doing it to teach your kids in reality, you're learning a lot about yourself, a lot about your marriage, about your kids. They're teaching you stuff, you're seeing ways that you have weaknesses in your own life, and really God is using the whole picture here to show us, you know, our desperate need for Him because so many times we fall short. Every time we'll fall short if we're not relying on Him. And so, the times that we were really striving in our marriage or in our homeschool, any time we've made decisions that that are fear-based, we reap what we sow in that.

If we're sowing things out of fear, we're gonna reap those things out of fear.

And I think in a lot of ways, that's an area of growth that we have had too.

You know, we don't wanna homeschool out of fear.

[13:28] We don't want to not trust that God will provide for us in the way that he has called our family to educate our children.

And throughout the years, we've had to learn how to communicate those things.

Like, this is what our family needs. And not just me always coming to you and telling you what I think that they need to learn, but you've brought things to my attention.

Like, hey, have you thought about this? Have you thought about that?

[13:54] And I hadn't. And so then we've shifted gears the next season it made sense to shift gears in that direction.

[14:02] But it takes humility. And I think like you said, you touched on this earlier in our marriage and homeschooling that we occasionally would make decisions more out of fear, fear that we couldn't afford things, scarcity mindset in some ways. You don't struggle with that so much as I had, which is great. You've really taught me to have faith in God's provision that way. And he's always amazingly abundantly come through for us. There were definitely decisions made out of fear instead of rest in his love.

And that is once, especially I, was starting to live more out of rest in God's love for me, that's when I think things really started to take off for us as well.

There was more trust, things were just more laid back, not so tense.

Right. I didn't take things so personally.

Well, I mean, yeah, and that's the thing.

[14:58] And when you make the decision to homeschool, especially as the primary educator, you feel that weight of the responsibility of the education, and you should because it is a big deal to be taking that on, but the weight of that shouldn't become burdensome because we ultimately need to be resting in Jesus and who God says that he is, he is our provider, ultimately.

Not your job, not the money that you make coming in. I mean, he provides all of those things, and so, you know, it really is, do I trust that God is going to provide not just financially for our family, but, you know, in the way of educating our children, the ways that we lack maybe knowledge in an area, he'll provide those things through other teachers or other books or other resources that we can use, And a lot of times, I think we get hung up in, like you said, that lack or that scarcity mindset and then that makes us have fear and the insecurity that we already kind of felt.

[16:03] Going into the decision to homeschool because I can't name anybody offhand after 12 years and leading in different support groups and with the state organization and volunteering there and with different conferences and things like that I've been to have not met any person who is 100% confident in their ability to educate their child right out the gate.

It's like this process of you don't know what you're doing, but you see someone else who's doing something successful that's similar, so you kind of want to latch onto that or see what they're doing or what resources they're using or who they're talking to or how they're being encouraged. And so then you start seeking that out. And in marriage, when we're talking about communicating with each other.

[16:48] Then we have to do that together. We have to seek those things out together and say, okay, how are we going to come together as a team to make this work? Because we're both feeling called to this. We both trust and understand that God is wanting us to homeschool.

What is that going to look like? And that humility piece is huge when it comes to that communicating.

PB – Right. And I think we touched on this in our previous episode and stuff, but it takes very much not me saying, well, that's your thing as the primary educator, and I'm going to just go to work and support the family. As honorable as that is and as much focus as I should put on that, let's just like you said, we both decided to do this. We both felt God calling us to homeschool.

[17:34] All of our kids. So that means I have to be just as engaged, maybe in different ways.

Obviously I can't do my job and teach primarily at the same time, but that doesn't mean that I never help out with math like I do, help out around the house, do whatever needs to be done to make sure that you guys are supported in what you're doing with homeschooling besides just my job.

And I know that's hard to hear because some guys, they do work a lot of hours and maybe that's not as realistic for them and that's fine, but I think part of the whole, hey, I would die for my family, like physically die, jump in front of a bullet kind of thing.

I think there has to be that mentality of, I'm gonna jump in front of the dishes.

I'm gonna jump in front of teaching my kids math and all the bullets they fly at me in their tears, you know, whatever, because they're so upset about it or whatever, you know, it's whatever the family needs is what I'm gonna throw myself in front of.

[18:35] I think once I started to really do that, things really flourished as well. You felt like you had even more freedom to explore. I think our communication became more relaxed. I think, there was that trust, more so, that you felt that I was more engaged, that if you had a bad day or you were sick, that I was going to be there. Yeah, because there's nothing worse than as a mom feeling like if you're down for the count because you're sick or you're not feeling well or whatever's going on, that no one's going to help pick up the pieces of what's lacking during that time, and then you're going to be double or triple into what you were behind on before, and that's super frustrating. There's been several examples that we could name off as far as communicating the needs of both of us. You needed me to sometimes get up and get started with the kids a little bit earlier and you communicated that, like, my frustration that I was communicating to you really stemmed from me not really having a great bedtime and wake time routine.

And that's something that I think, I don't know, I may always struggle with that.

It's not my strong point at all, you know, I'm more fly by the seat of my pants kind of personality and you're more structured and, you know, that kind of sometimes rubs against each other in the wrong way.

[19:59] And sometimes I've had to communicate like, hey, me and this child are really struggling with our own communication with this certain subject.

Is there any way that you can help them? Because for the sake of the relationship, I need to step away.

And for the sake of their education, they still need to get this done.

So can you help me there?

And that's been really, really helpful. And that, honestly, I mean, don't hear us saying that this was always the case.

I hope you understand that, you know, we've not always had that structure.

Very rough years. Yeah. homeschool.

Yeah. So, well, I appreciate you listening to the episode. I want to be mindful of your time. I know we're trying to keep our episodes to a certain time frame. So we can go on and on and on. And that's why we'll have more episodes for you. So I hope you enjoyed listening to this one.

[20:49] Maybe you saw yourself in some of the struggles that we've had, and maybe it'd be a great conversation starter to listen to with your spouse about some of the struggles in communication.

Maybe there's things that have been, you know, popping through your head as we're talking about some of our struggles that maybe aren't the same, and you can maybe start that conversation, with your wife or your husband about that in your homeschool.

So thanks for listening again. I just want to say a big thank you to Christy Stubbleton of Podcasts with Faith for her help in launching these episodes with us and editing them for us.

She's a wonderful dear friend, and we're so grateful for her editing skills.

So if you want to check out her information, we've got that linked in our show notes on how to find her if you are also wanting to get into the podcast world and maybe need some help with editing your own podcast.

So seek her out. She's fantastic to work with.

To learn more about booking one-on-one or group homeschool coaching sessions with us, upcoming events, see our speaking schedule, or to get access to more resources, be sure to check out our website, www.showmehomeschool.com and sign up for our weekly newsletter.

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