Prosper in Motherhood with Larissa Darter
Summary:
In this episode of Show Me Homeschool, host Erin speaks with guest Larissa Darter, a licensed counselor and homeschool mom, who shares her journey of finding identity in motherhood, the importance of self-care, and how to navigate emotional challenges.
Discover practical tools for silencing the inner critic, embracing your motherhood journey, and fostering resilience. Ready to prosper in motherhood? Tune in for an inspiring conversation that's sure to uplift and equip you in your homeschooling.
Links & Resources:
For mental health tools and other resources, visit Larissa’s website at www.prospercounsel.com
To book a consultation with Larissa, visit www.prospercounsel.com/contact
To purchase Larissa’s book “Prosper in Motherhood, visit www.prospercounsel.com/book or her Amazon author page
Connect with Larissa on Instagram @larissa.darter or on Facebook @ProsperCounsel
Connect with Erin & Joe at Show Me Homeschool:
On Instagram, @show.me.homeschool
On X, @ShowMeHomeSch
On Pinterest, @showmehomeschool
Be sure to leave a rating and review, and subscribe so you never miss an episode! For questions or comments email us: info@showmehomeschool.com
Transcript:
Erin [00:00:00]:
Hello, and welcome back to the Show Me Homeschool podcast. Today, I have a guest who's also a friend. We connected a couple years ago, through homeschooling and mutual friends, and I'm so happy to introduce Larissa Darter. She's a licensed counselor, mental health coach, writer, and speaker. Larissa is the owner of Prosper Counseling, a telehealth private practice located in the Midwest. Prosper Counseling helps women journey to discover their true selves, decrease anxiety, and increase their well-being. Larissa is passionate about integrating faith and science that points to evidence of a real God. You can learn more about Prosper Counseling at www.ProsperCounsel.com.
Erin [00:00:45]:
I'm Erin.
Joe [00:00:46]:
And I'm Joe.
Erin [00:00:47]:
We're the hosts of the Show Me Homeschool podcast, where we guide parents through the wilderness of home education. Each weekly episode will focus on supporting and encouraging homeschool moms and dads through conversational interviews with like minded Christian leaders in the homeschool community.
Joe [00:01:03]:
In our experience, we've seen the lack of resources and support available for homeschooled dads. So we want to address that by covering relevant topics concerning husbands and fathers as they lead their families through this lifestyle of home education.
Erin [00:01:16]:
We understand the need for creating connections and building authentic relationships to sustain a healthy homeschool environment for yourself and your children.
Joe [00:01:25]:
Our goal is not to show you how to replicate our homeschool, but to show you how you can create a home learning lifestyle that is sustainable for your family.
Erin [00:01:33]:
Show Me Homeschool is here to come alongside you. Welcome, Marissa!
Larissa Darter [00:01:39]:
Thank you, Erin. I'm so excited to be here and to get to hang out with you. It is. So we just get to have a good time, and we always go deep when we're together, and I enjoy that. We just get right to it.
Erin [00:01:51]:
I love it. Well, we ran into each other a couple weeks ago, I guess, now at the Bloom and Blossom Conference in Springfield, Missouri.
Larissa Darter [00:01:58]:
We did.
Erin [00:01:58]:
And I had no idea that you had published a book called Prosper in Motherhood. So as soon as I heard that, I'm like, I've gotta book you to come back on the show.
Larissa Darter [00:02:08]:
Yes. Thank you so much for having me. And, yes, we I wanna hear what your thoughts are about the book when we get into that.
Erin [00:02:14]:
Yeah. Well, I I read it. I love it. I'm a huge proponent of counseling. I think it's a great idea for mothers, kids, everybody, men, women. And after reading this book, I just I was so encouraged. And like I told you before we started recording, just even applying this motherhood book to with the tools that you provide in here to other issues that I'm I'm seeing in my own personal life, it's just a breath of fresh air, and it's it it's a good reminder that we do have the ability, maybe not to change all of our circumstances, but to change the perspective that we have on the circumstances in our life.
Larissa Darter [00:02:48]:
So Even as I go back and look at through the chapters in the book, I'm like, oh, yes. This I need this again in my life, and I write about that in the book where these tools, like, you have to learn them over and over and depending on what stage of life you're in. And when I wrote the book, I wrote it for young mothers or those in their early parenting years. But like you said, the concepts are universal to a mother in any stage of life. It's just that the story shared are my own personal stories as being a young mom and figuring out, you know, a motherhood identity and what that looks like integrated into my life and my mental health and my well-being. So I feel like it was important when I wrote the book to, as a counselor, share my own struggles because I think it's really easy for moms and anyone really, but to kind of put people on a pedestal in their life who, you know, a pastor, a counselor, someone who is a voice of credibility, you think that it's they have an easier road or they have it all figured out. And the reality is is, like, we all have a struggle that we're feeling and navigating and and doing our best. So, that was the goal is that the tools in the book would be applicable to anyone who picked the book up.
Erin [00:04:00]:
Yeah. And I love how, like you said, you shared your own personal story. And if you don't mind sharing a little bit about your introduction to motherhood, that part for me was also super relatable because as you're probably gonna share, I also had a very first, traumatic delivery with my first that did not go as planned. And so when you were talking through your feelings and all of that, it was so relatable, and I'm like, oh, that's so true. And it just kinda helped heal a little bit more in me after dealing with that. So
Larissa Darter [00:04:29]:
Yeah. So where to start with that? Right? I think I was always looking forward and being excited about becoming a mom. And in my first pregnancy as a first time mom, everyone that I knew in my life, like, things had gone well for them, and it was just easy. And you just do it, and you have the baby, and you go through the labor, and it's fine, and you figure it out. So I went in with the mindset that I'm gonna have a baby. It's gonna be fine, and everything will go as planned because why wouldn't it? And so I didn't have, in my community or my network or my family a lot of stories, at least to my knowledge, that I had heard about of people struggling or what that had looked like. And, when I got pregnant with my first one of the opening stories in the book talks about this, that, I had a healthy pregnancy. Everything was looking great, and then everything changed that day.
Larissa Darter [00:05:18]:
The baby entered the world, and they're like, hey. There's some things you need to check out, and you need to get into the back as quickly as you can. And that really caught us off guard because you're like, what? Wait a minute. All this time, you guys are telling us our baby is fine. This is confusing. And prior to that, another piece of the story was that the labor and delivery process was very traumatic for me, and I labored for thirty six hours before going into a c section. And so that was very exhausting and just dealing with a change of my expectations of what I wanted. You know, everyone wants a pregnancy plan and their ideal birth experience, and I had not really prepared for what if it doesn't go that way.
Larissa Darter [00:05:59]:
Because, again, I haven't seen anyone who didn't have it go according to plan, so why would that be different for me? And so the aftermath was dealing with the disappointment in that that I didn't know would hit me so hard in the grief of it, and then just the difficult recovery that I had physically, just the healing process, the fatigue, different things that, didn't go well. And I often when I see new moms and them being excited about being pregnant, they asked, do you wanna hear my story? I'm like, well, I will share it, if you would like, but it's not the typical story. And I I think it's important for moms to hear that, but I I try to be careful with that because it can feel scary and overwhelming. But I think it is important for mothers to hear, like, hey. It doesn't only work out like we think.
Erin [00:06:44]:
Yeah. I I agree, and I'm so glad that you preface it with, well, I'll tell you, but there's this thing, because it was a similar situation. I labored a long time. It did not go as planned. I ended up hemorrhaging and having to have a DNC and blood transfusion, all these things outside of that. So you're you're joyful that this baby is healthy and you're holding this baby. Yes. Also, I had a nine pound baby as well.
Erin [00:07:06]:
So it's like, oh,
Larissa Darter [00:07:07]:
you did. Okay.
Erin [00:07:09]:
Yeah. My first Oh, yeah. Yeah. He was nine three and he already wearing, like, three month old baby clothes. Like, all the newborn stuff was taken back.
Larissa Darter [00:07:16]:
We couldn't wear any of that. Yes.
Erin [00:07:18]:
Yeah. So the the first introduction to motherhood, my expectations were totally I couldn't carry. I was on a a limit for carrying as well. I couldn't lift him. I couldn't go upstairs. I had to have people come to my house all the time to provide food
Larissa Darter [00:07:33]:
and take
Erin [00:07:33]:
care of me. And it was so humbling and so not what I thought. And like you said in the book, there's this grief process that you're struggling with this dichotomy of emotions where you're so virgoid that you have this baby, but then so destroyed internally that it didn't look how you want it. So do you wanna talk a little bit about what you did in that process to overcome the grief feelings that you had and and to communicate those to your spouse?
Larissa Darter [00:08:03]:
Yeah. You know, as I tell in in that I think it's chapter three, I just talk about the shock. And I think part of the grief, we think it's just feeling sad all the time. And that is an element of it, but there's lots of different feelings and grief. And as I was going through my postpartum recovery, but then also our son's diagnosis that, we were looking at and ruling things out. It was happening so fast, like, day by day, things were changing that it was a challenge to accept it and and seek support because you're just, like I said, in survival mode living day by day and trying to take it little by little. And so I do talk about just relying on my faith and tiny prayers and moments of saying, god, I need strength because I don't know what the next hour holds, but I need you to to get me through this. And I don't have a lot, but I'm I'm leaning on on your strength.
Larissa Darter [00:08:56]:
So prayer definitely was a big one. I talk about journaling. And I know as a new mom, you feel like you don't have any time to do anything other than feed and change diapers. But, a couple of times, it wasn't a daily habit for me, but there were a few times where I sat down with my feelings and journaled out, like, how hard this is and just my disappointment with God that, like, why is this happening to me? And I don't know what this looks like for the future of our family, and what am I supposed to do with this. You know, a lot of it was just allowing myself to say those things without even having an answer to it yet.
Erin [00:09:30]:
Yeah. And the next part of the book, you're continuing to reveal how that story played out where you were dealing with the emotions. You were acknowledging those emotions. You were also acknowledging the fear that you had in that time and then as you were pregnant again. And I think, you know, this is a homeschool podcast, but it's you know, you can't separate motherhood from homeschooling when you're a homeschool mom. So I think it's important to talk about these things and how the fear, whether it's a fear with something to do with your homeschooling or just something to do with how you are operating as a mother. Do you wanna talk a little bit about fear and acknowledging that in our expectations?
Larissa Darter [00:10:10]:
Yes. I do. I wanna go back to I was thinking in my head more about that first question, how I navigated it. I think it's important to point out too, like, when you're postpartum, right, your hormones are all up and down and all over the place and, they're trying to regulate. And so you're dealing with the swings of the hormones and then also the swings of, like, your challenging circumstances. And so I do mention in the book and talk about in postpartum recovery, it's easy to have tunnel vision or to focus or hyper fixate on things and they can feel bigger than what we feel like we can cope with. And so, keeping that in mind that if you are struggling or it's feeling overwhelming or more than you can manage that, you know, sometimes it beyond grief, it might be postpartum mood disorder or postpartum anxiety disorder where there's counseling where you can get help for that, but everyone experienced that who goes through postpartum recovery is our mind is operating and functioning differently than it was before. And so having some compassion and understanding for that is helpful as well.
Larissa Darter [00:11:12]:
I'm sorry. Go back to that second question. What was that?
Erin [00:11:16]:
Just acknowledging fear. Like, I'll I'll do a quote from the bottom. You said that thinking only the worst is called catastrophizing, ruminating, and or spiraling. If we begin to recognize these patterns, we can stop them and replace them by acknowledging our feelings. When we think about all the ways the situation can work out, including the possible ways God wants to show up for our situation, Our fears tell us we are limited, but Christ or says we are limitless. I just I love that shift in thinking that, you know, when we think it's all on our shoulders to deal with everything, that God is here as our our help. And it it can be a trap, I think, as homeschool moms, as mothers in general, just to catastrophize everything and think, oh, this is never gonna get better. I'm never gonna get out of this baby phase.
Erin [00:12:00]:
I'm never gonna make it through. And do you wanna expound a little
Larissa Darter [00:12:03]:
bit? To go further with that, you know, when when we have a a negative thought, an anxious thought, or a worry, it tends to spiral. If you think of just a spiral or a chain effect and leads to another worry thought or an anxious thought and know that that's common and normal, that we all do that because we're thinking about the what if scenarios. We start to panic or we try to go into problem solving, but, really, it's just creating more anxiety for us. And so when I say we can stop them by acknowledging our feelings is first we're just noticing, okay, I'm really anxious and worried about this and noticing what's my response. Is it to try and be a fixer and do everything or at work problem solve this issue? I also I in counseling, we use an acronym called stop that is it made me think of this when you said we can stop and replace them in the book. It's really becoming aware of our thoughts instead of just being on autopilot that when I have a thought, the first thing is to stop, that's the s, and to become aware, like, I'm having a negative thought and then to think what's what is that thought, the t. The o is to observe, how's that thought making me feel, what's happening, and and then how do I wanna proceed? That's the piece. So how do I wanna proceed in a way that's going to be good for my well-being instead of in a spiraling thought and continuing down the catastrophizing? So that's a way that you can break that spiral negative thought pattern.
Erin [00:13:27]:
Yeah. I I love that because, you know, as our days are going on, maybe we do have a a new little one. We're also trying to get breakfast and get back get to schooling, and and we're in these situations where it's easy to think that everything's relying on my me today to get it through the day, and I don't have time to stop. I have to keep going. But you're saying we really do need to take that time, maybe not ten minutes, maybe even it's just literally a a just a a passing thought to wait a second. I'm feeling this way, acknowledging how you're feeling and and making space for that so that you can process.
Larissa Darter [00:14:04]:
And I think as a mom or whether you're homeschooling or a young mom staying at home with your littles, everything feels urgent and everything feels important. Right? And I talk about that later in my book of how to define and separate those because, like you said, taking a moment to pause and think about that thought, it really takes maybe sixty to ninety seconds if that. If I can just stop and notice the feeling, if I'm just, again, on autopilot or pushing through, I'm not having awareness. And I often tell my clients awareness is the first part of growth. You can't change what you're not aware of. And so that's really important to notice that thought and become aware of it, and then that helps again with that self compassion. Like, it's okay. I'm feeling this way.
Larissa Darter [00:14:43]:
Everyone has a hard time. That doesn't mean I have to overwork or overperform or even get it right. Like, we're all human, we're all figuring this out and this day is maybe a hard day. So maybe I need to have more margin in my life for slowing things down, maybe the schedule, the coursework or the bookwork doesn't all get done, maybe we need to modify it, cut one thing out, take a slow morning, whatever it is to help those feelings that you're having feel more manageable because then you're gonna like yourself better as a mom and you're gonna like the homeschool day better as well. You're gonna feel more connected to your kids. You're gonna feel like the reasons why you chose to homeschool that you're hitting those targets. Mhmm. The connection, the relating, the heart care, those kinds of things.
Erin [00:15:29]:
Yeah. I like how you also point out that we need to ask ourselves what do we what can we control? Because like you said, the day can feel out of control. It can start to spiral. Our minds start to spiral. So do you wanna help anyone who's listening understand that process of thinking through what you can and can't control and how you handle that?
Larissa Darter [00:15:51]:
I really like the model that we use. There's a little chart in the book, and we use this in counseling too that talks about there in every situation that we have, we have in our head an idea of how we want it to go, and it may or may not go that way. And the way that I cope or deal with that or build resilience around it is looking at the areas of what can I control about this situation, what is out of my control, what's beyond my reach? And there's always two categories, and there's always things that fit in both of those. And so a lot of times our anxiety and our fear, overworking, our burnout, our overwhelm is manifest because we're spending a lot of time in that category of all the things I can't control, I'm wearing myself out. But if I can focus on the things that I can control, I'm gonna feel calmer, obviously, more in control. I'm gonna like, myself more and I have more of that self compassion than I talk about and things aren't gonna feel so scary. I'm gonna feel like I can do this. And so, there's a list of things that I have of what you can control and those are things like my thoughts, I can control my attitude, I can control trusting God with each fear and giving it to him minute by minute if I need to or hour by hour and what I choose to be grateful for.
Larissa Darter [00:17:05]:
I'm not about toxic positivity where, like, oh, everything will work out and be fine, but I do believe and I think this is part of the spiritual wellness in our life is there's always something to be grateful for and when we can find it, it really helps our well-being. You can control how you look after yourself. You're in charge of you. Right? So you get to control what you're going to do that day and how you're going to do it. Are you gonna drink that coffee? Are you not? Are you gonna make sure you stay hydrated? Are you gonna find just 10 to get a break from the kids? Maybe let them watch a TV show if you need to and and go sit in a quiet bedroom for yourself to give you a little respite, how we steward our money when we're thinking about homeschooling decisions. A lot of times we look in homeschooling community, I think we look a lot to our peers for a comparison because there's not really a standard or a benchmark, and that can be a slippery slope too. So we wanna look at how we steward the resources we have and then the boundaries that we set for ourselves, are they helping or hurting?
Erin [00:18:04]:
Yeah.
Larissa Darter [00:18:04]:
So those are things that we can control. Things that we can't control are the timing of things, the past, what happened to us or, you know, maybe if we bring our own trauma into our motherhood journey, we can't control what happened to us, but we can control the help that we get and how we heal and how we navigate that. And then we have we can't control what others think about us. And I think that's where a lot of the worry and the thought spiraling comes in is what are other people gonna say, what are other people gonna do. And again, then that falls into that perfectionism or that people pleasing trap. We can't always control the outcome even with our best efforts. Right? With our kiddos, maybe you're giving them their vitamins and supplements every day, giving them the best diet, and you still see things happening. Sickness, you can't always control that.
Larissa Darter [00:18:50]:
Or maybe you have diagnoses, mental or medical that you're dealing with that sometimes even those best efforts aren't going to change them. And what happens around me, you can't always control that. Right? So, like, our environment or our situation. So in the book, there's a graph that's really helpful for charting that and helping to sit down and pause and think about where am I spending my anxious thoughts, my worries, and am I placing them in appropriate or helpful areas?
Erin [00:19:16]:
Mhmm. I love that because as moms, we are constantly reevaluating. It feels sometimes hour by hour like this didn't work, this isn't working, or that's working really well. So I think taking time to maybe specifically address if you're struggling with your mental health as a mom, maybe taking the day off school to evaluate where am I, what do I have control over in our schedule, in my life, at our with the food that's in our house or anything like that that you can control and looking at those things. And, you know, honestly, as a mom, you think you're gonna get behind with what you've got to do on your schedule, your routine, or whatever to take that time. But when you do that, what are you showing your kids? Right? That's an important thing to show them that mom takes care of her mental health. When mom is struggling, she takes a pause. These things are so invaluable, and they're not gonna be in your science book, you know, or your history lesson that day.
Erin [00:20:09]:
You know?
Larissa Darter [00:20:10]:
Yes. And if you can, you know, again, be aware and then observe, oh, we need to take a mental health day. Or mom is sick and she's allowed to take a sick day. Right? No one's telling her she can't apply for a PTO day or necessarily or things like that. But I can tell the kids, you know what? Mommy is sick, and we're gonna slow down today. And they're going to observe that. They're going to hear it. They're intuitive.
Larissa Darter [00:20:32]:
And so, yes, you're teaching that message that it's okay to care for yourself. They're gonna pick that up, and that is part of the learning. Right? So they're learning that self care, and this is okay for me to tend to myself. I think that's so important for for kids to see.
Erin [00:20:45]:
Yeah. I like how you touch on rediscovering ourselves as moms too, and you you talk about relearning what our needs and our values are, and are they the same as they were, or did they change?
Larissa Darter [00:20:56]:
Do you
Erin [00:20:56]:
wanna talk a little bit about that process of reevaluating who we are and how that ties into that self care and your definition of that self care?
Larissa Darter [00:21:04]:
Yeah. So, again, in the book, there is another chart that has a list of values that you can go through and look at what's important to me and just like anything in in our lives, right, probably when you're thinking about if you went to school what you wanted to study, they're they're probably based on some values that you had, things that were important to you or when you were dating and married your spouse, like values that you guys had that were similar or aligned. And so, a lot of our well-being is grounded in if I'm living according to my values. I talk about how this was true for me and I I imagine it's true for others. I know it is for clients I work with, but you feel like you've got yourself figured out, you have a strong identity of who you are before you become a mother. And then once you become a mother, there's this new title, a new role given to you that you take on and you have to squeeze it in with all the other titles, you know, aunt, friend, sister, employee, if you're working. But what happens is is it's very imbalanced and when you become a mother, it's a new role, but it's your primary role now and you spend all of your time taking care of this baby. So everything is flipped upside down, feels really unbalanced.
Larissa Darter [00:22:12]:
And so a lot of the values or things that you liked maybe feel like they've been thrown out the window. Right? You don't have time for those things anymore and you're kinda trying to figure out what that looks like. And so it is true there's a set period of time where you put things aside because you're in those baby caregiving years. But living according to your values, you can reassess in the book and see what is important to me or have they changed because you do have permission for your values to change. And I would argue there's probably a few core values that you have that may not ever change. For example, like your faith or being a loving person or a kind person, but you may not value adventure as much as you once did. Although, I would argue motherhood is an adventure. Right? Right.
Larissa Darter [00:22:58]:
There are different things that you're like, you know what? This is changing and evolving for me and then allowing that to evolve with that new role.
Erin [00:23:05]:
Yeah. I I love that explanation. As I was reading through what you're writing here about
Larissa Darter [00:23:11]:
rediscovering ourselves, like, we are always on this process of growth.
Erin [00:23:11]:
And, rediscovering ourselves, like, we are always on this process of growth. And having an open mind towards a growth mindset as a mom is is so key to our success as a mother and feeling like we are progressing. Do you wanna talk a little bit about resilience? I hear the word triggered a lot. You know? Like, seems like everybody's triggered and trigger triggered. And, you know, when you talk about being triggered, you're talking about something may set you off, but then you build that resilience up that maybe that next time that that thing happens, it's not gonna trigger you. And, like, that's the goal. Like, we don't wanna be moms walk walking around. Like, we wake up and the baby's crying, and I'm already triggered.
Erin [00:23:53]:
And now I'm having this day that's gonna go downhill, and and you start that spiral of, I didn't get up before the baby, and now I don't have time to work out. And now I don't have time to eat a healthy breakfast, so I'm just gonna drink my coffee and I'll eat at lunch. And then you start, like, the hormones like you talked about. So do you wanna address the resiliency piece of motherhood and how we can improve that in our lives?
Larissa Darter [00:24:13]:
Yeah. Resilience really is I mean, every day we're finding resilience. Right? It's something that we've we fight for every day. Resilience is I often think or I often explain it, I should say, when we're resilient, we imagine that we're gonna snap back. If something happened, it's gonna snap back and it's gonna be exactly the way it was before. That's being resilient, that I can pick up, like, as though nothing has changed. And that's really not true. Resilience is it is picking up despite what's going on and continuing on.
Larissa Darter [00:24:42]:
I think that fits really well with the definition of prosper that I talk about in the book that motherhood is a good journey that you push through when the word prosper means a good journey and that you're pushing forward in your good journey of motherhood. And in order to do that, you have to have resilience that you're saying, like, it's okay if this is difficult. And it's amazing and awesome and excellent when it's it's beautiful and good. But despite either of those things, I'm gonna keep picking myself up and going on, keep trusting the Lord, keep asking him for strength, and just doing my best. And when I fall short of my expectations or I wanted it to look like saying that it's okay because maybe those expectations weren't realistic. And also being able to recognize that mom guilt resilience. I think mom guilt ties back into that spiral and that catastrophizing. Right? So if I'm a resilient person, when I start to have that mom guilt, I can say, like, it's okay.
Larissa Darter [00:25:35]:
I'm doing the best that I can today with the capacity that I have and giving myself permission to not be perfect and giving myself permission to not get it all right because none of us are. And if you're comparing to others, there's things in their life that they feel like they're falling short at that maybe you're not seeing. Mhmm.
Erin [00:25:55]:
Yeah. I like how you, use that word perfect because you talk a lot about perfectionism and just this idea that if you're thinking it's gotta be the best all the time, that's not that's not sustainable. And then you don't also give yourself that mercy and grace to say, I tried. I tried my best. And so how does perfectionism wreak havoc in motherhood and prospering in motherhood?
Larissa Darter [00:26:19]:
Yes. You know, I'm thinking specifically about homeschooling right now, but I think we all have and again, I say we all meaning a generality. Right? But I think we often go into homeschooling imagining what it's going to look like with an expectation of how, of course, you know, social media influences that so much of what we think the image of our home should look like or the day, and everyone's getting along peacefully at the table and everything is clean and aesthetic and cute. But with perfectionism, we look at that and we're like, that's what I need to obtain. Right? But, really, those people, that's their job. Their job is to make it look cute, make it look perfect so that you buy their product or whatever it is. And so even in counseling, I work with a lot of homeschool moms, and they'll talk about this. And I'll and the one of the ways that we work with perfectionism is, again, allowing room for margin and self compassion that I may have an ideal of what I want my day to look like, and then I feel like that it should look like that every day.
Larissa Darter [00:27:16]:
But I'm being a really darn good mom if I can hit that maybe just once a week. Maybe my ideal day happened once a week and that's okay. Because it's more about consistency if it's something I can maintain and sustain. Right? With perfectionism, if if we're putting that standard all the time on ourselves twenty four seven every day, then it's the fast track to that burnout and that stress and that overwhelm. And we don't need help getting there as moms. We're already there. We're most of the time, we're already overstimulated, worn out, and fatigued. So
Erin [00:27:48]:
Yeah. My friend Rachel, you know Rachel Ellsbury? Yes. She calls this her minimum viable school day, and you can check out her website for that. But I just love that idea of maybe you have your list of your, quote, perfect day, and then you have your minimum viable day. The things that like, maybe the two or three things that if this happens in a day, I'm gonna call it good instead of having this high high standard, like you said, that's aesthetic and it's beautiful. And the kids all get along because let's be real, that's, like, two minutes into the day. Yeah. That is destroyed along with the house.
Erin [00:28:22]:
And
Larissa Darter [00:28:23]:
And I think too when you hear, like, oh, I'm aiming for that once a week to do maybe the things that I enjoy or, like, making me excited about teaching my kids or these, you know maybe I plan one big fancy craft time a week, but it's not sustainable every day. But if I can do it once a week, then I feel like that's achievable. And if I feel like it's achievable, then the research shows, like, I'm more likely to follow through on doing those things and then and then actually completing it, which then leads to contentment and happiness versus the perfectionism is this standard that I already feel behind on, I already can't keep up with, I'm already in despair, and I are I'm already feeling like, man, I suck at this. Right? So I like that idea of, like, what's sustainable for the long run? And that may mean adjusting those expectations or, like, lessening it on us, and that's okay. Yeah.
Erin [00:29:16]:
I love that. Let's go back to the idea of self care in that because a lot of times, we feel this mom guilt that if we we've prayed for these kids, we wanna spend all this time with them. We're even committed to homeschooling them and being with them throughout the whole day. But we I have talked to so many moms who won't even leave to do a workout. They won't leave to do a mom night out because they feel this immense guilt even though I'm like, we spend way more time than the average American mom with our children doing homeschool, but we won't take thirty minutes to do a workout or take a shower or eat a meal in quiet. You know? How how can we get past that idea that that mom guilt and and lean into taking care of ourselves as a practice?
Larissa Darter [00:30:00]:
Yeah. I struggled with that too, and I I share one of those stories in my book. And exactly like you said, for me, it was the the physical aspect of the working out and getting my strength back, which was also very important because I had some injuries and things like that. So in the chapter on self care, I talk about the wellness wheel, and I really arp on this with my clients that's so important. This is what we start with in self care. In in the idea of being well and being holy, look at five, cogs on the wheel, our mental, emotional, spiritual, social, and physical health. And so, you know, looking in self care, again, perfection is increasing because, like, I gotta get everything under control, do all the things, do all the organic things or holistic things. Right? It just feels, like, overwhelming and adds up.
Larissa Darter [00:30:46]:
So I tell people, look in one category or one cog of that wheel that you wanna focus on and start there. You know, if it's spiritual and I just wanna read as my bible for three minutes a day. I'm not doing it at all. So three minutes is gonna be a bigger drop in the bucket than what it has been. Physically, maybe it's I'm going to take my kids on a walk around the neighborhood block or push the stroller around to prioritize my physical wellness. I will say in my personal story that that was hard because when we didn't know what was going on with my son in those first few months, there wasn't time for that. And that's what we're not talking about here, but I do wanna point that out and give mom's permission. Like, there is crisis sometimes where you need to put the fire out and put and maybe you have multiple fires going on in your home and you focus on the biggest fire first because that's what you have to do.
Larissa Darter [00:31:37]:
Once you get out of crisis mode and you feel like things are stabilizing a little bit, then that might be a good time to ask yourself, okay, what part in my wellness will do I want to focus on? And so part of overcoming that for me was prioritizing my physical health, was giving myself permission knowing that my son was okay because I was in crisis mode where I did not wanna leave his side. I didn't we did not know what future was holding. We were in doctor appointments, and I didn't want I wanted to be with him through it all, which is the natural response. But then being able to shift and say, like, again, things are stabilized. This is okay now, and I can take care of myself. And I think another hurdle for a lot of moms too, again, is just our phones that a lot of times we find excuses of, like, I don't have time or I'm just so tired. And I often have people do, like, an inventory of their time because we it's so easy to find five minutes here to scroll and five minutes there. And if we took those five minutes and invested them in our well-being, we would see a big payoff.
Larissa Darter [00:32:36]:
So it's doing an honest check-in reflection of ourselves of, am I spending my time the way again, going back to those values, that reflects my values, prioritizes those parts of the wellness wheel.
Erin [00:32:48]:
Yeah. So let's talk a little bit about willfulness versus willingness. You talk about that in the book, and I thought it was really, really interesting the difference between the two.
Larissa Darter [00:33:00]:
There's this mindset in our culture that we're just we're gonna empower through. Right? Like, just keep going. I think especially in western culture and American culture and then as moms, like, moms don't get days off typically, right, unless we're recognizing that we need them. So we just keep going, going, going till the the point of burning out, and we call that willpower. And we think that we're just gonna will our way through to change the situation, that you can buckle down or just try harder. And what I talk about is that this is a trap of refusing anything but the goal at hand or the way that we think things should be. So that is willfulness. And willfulness limits the way that we look at a problem because I'm like, I'm gonna do this by my own will.
Larissa Darter [00:33:43]:
And I also would argue that that's also not relying on the lord and putting our trust in him or asking him for strength. We're relying on our own power. And then we have willingness. So willingness is this idea that, maybe you have a circumstance that's creating stress or overwhelm, whether it's your homeschool day or the lots or that you are being faced with thinking that things can't change like that's the way it is or it's not going to change and not worth changing it. But really, what's required is a new skill or a new way of thinking. So we have the term willingness. Willingness is what allows us to see our reality as the way that it is and to find a new way of problem solving and a new way of creativity. So willfulness kinda keeps us stuck where we are and willingness allows us to have capacity for that growth mindset.
Larissa Darter [00:34:36]:
And, again, this I talk about in the book. This is kind of an abstract concept, but it's helpful to look at a situation if you're feeling frustrated or stuck in to self reflect and ask yourself, am am I approaching this with a willingness mindset or a willfulness? Am I willing to find another solution? And there's always infinite solutions. If we allow ourselves to escape that tunnel vision that we're in, there's always the solution. And sometimes we might need help finding what those solutions are going to a person, a trusted person, or spouse, a friend, or again counseling where someone can help see beyond our perspective. Because when we are struggling, it is really hard to get out of that tunnel vision. It doesn't mean that you're flawed. It just meaning, like, I'm going through a really hard time to see it any other way. Mhmm.
Erin [00:35:21]:
Yeah. And and you talk about the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. And when you're in that willfulness mindset of just we gotta power through the day, Things are going bad. They're we're in crisis mode. Your brain literally shut off to being able to be will willing to change because you're you're not thinking of possibilities. You're not being creative. You're just trying to get through what is the bare minimum that needs to get done so that I can survive.
Larissa Darter [00:35:49]:
Yes. Looking at it scientifically speaking, there is a level of truth that, like, we're not able to if we're in that threat response. And that's one of the really cool benefits of counseling. We will talk about how do I get myself to a calm and regulated state within my nervous system that pulls me out of that fight, flight, freeze, or fawn so that I can enter into a state of willingness. And so that's why it is kind of an abstract concept because it is a nervous system response, but also a thought based response as well. Mhmm.
Erin [00:36:20]:
Yeah. I I love how you explain that. I I think that's that's another reason I wanted to point that out is just as moms, when we are in those responses, we aren't thinking through, like, how can I get out of this even though I'm drowning? And I know a lot of moms that are drowning right now with my circumstances and stressors that are outside of their control. And, and there is hope. And I I love that you talk about, some of those tools. I just wanna hit on one more thing before we move into the tools, topic. I know this is kinda going a little bit long, but it's so good.
Larissa Darter [00:36:50]:
Tell everyone, there's infinite resources and tools, and I write about that in my book with counseling. That's what's so fun is there's always infinite resources available to you. And so in the book, there's a plethora of them, but we're scratching the surface. So there's so many in there that can be applied in so many useful ways for moms.
Erin [00:37:10]:
Yeah. The last thing I wanted to touch on is loneliness and the importance of friendships with moms. And you talk about some personal situations, and, of course, there was COVID where everybody was isolated for a period of time. And how how moms have dealt with that? How how important our friendships, especially as homeschool moms? Because we're kind of a niche group. You know? A lot of us work part time or full time. We're homeschooling the kids. We're homemaking. We're wearing all of these hats.
Erin [00:37:40]:
And in the midst of getting all the things done, we don't have time for friendships or we perceive that we don't have time, and we just feel lonely. And in the book, you talk about how you can have a a supportive spouse. You can have a great church. You can have all these things, and then you feel this loneliness. Do you wanna talk a little bit about how how that impacts our our motherhood?
Larissa Darter [00:38:01]:
Yes. Exactly. Spot on. You can a lot of times I'll hear mom say like, well, I shouldn't feel this way because I have a great life. Right? And well, that's until people no. You're allowed to feel the way that you feel. Right? It's it's less about your provision, what you've been given, or the lot that you've been dealt, and more about if you feel alone in something, no matter your status, your demographic, if you feel alone, like, no one can relate to you in it, then that's where loneliness lies. And I talk about in the book how, you know, there's research out there that says this is the next public health pandemic because everyone struggles with loneliness.
Larissa Darter [00:38:38]:
It does not it does not discriminate, you know, age, color, race, any of those things, status, everyone deals with this. So I do share a story of my own personal struggle of loneliness when I had three little children and what that was looking like. We had just gone through a move and it was a new area and then to compound with all of that COVID happened six months later. So everyone, I think, if you were in that season of COVID, probably experienced that. That's a loneliness, even to a small fragment to some degree probably because we were all, our environments changed to some degree. Loneliness for homeschool moms, again, I think it applies to them as well, right? Because it applies to everyone. This is a universal feeling. And there's a quote in the book that I use from AA Milne who wrote about Winnie the Pooh that I really just love.
Larissa Darter [00:39:30]:
You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes. And I think in our season of loneliness, homeschool moms, like you said, you have a ton of things to do, and finding someone feels like another big task or effort, finding a point of connection. And so we don't do it or we're waiting for someone to come to us. And, you know, in our world today, everyone's waiting for someone to come to them. It's not the norm that we pursue relationships like we once did. And so, I really encourage to try to put themselves out there or give it a chance, make a connection, reach out to someone on Facebook, do a FaceTime. There's so many ways now that we can connect without having to leave our homes or if you're not able to leave your home.
Larissa Darter [00:40:14]:
Plus, if you're involved in co ops or have a, you know, a nature school, there's times where you can connect with moms there who are gonna be in a similar stage of life as you, and that's gonna be really comforting. If you're feeling alone in something, it's comforting to know that someone's in the same stage that you are. Mhmm.
Erin [00:40:32]:
Yeah. I think you mentioned in there too about how you might go to the park and meet someone, and you're not gonna leave their bestie. You know? They're you're just maybe you just say hello, and that's that's it. That's a good start. Those passive, interactions at the grocery store, just saying hi or, hey. I like your sweater or I like your hair or how old are your kids? You know, just finding a way to connect with people. I think those were really good doable strategies and just like a two second interaction and then to feel a little bit more connected.
Larissa Darter [00:41:03]:
Yes. Just anything. Throwing a compliment, a kind word, saying hi to the mom at the park. Small talk, we think sometimes it's not worth it, but the research argues otherwise. There's research out there about our happiness and contentment that even if you're standing in a coffee line and you give a compliment to the person in the line, it can change your dopamine and happiness levels twofold for the entire day. So looking for those opportunities to you have to be the one to give that kind word. Right? That's what AAML was saying.
Erin [00:41:34]:
Like, you have to be the
Larissa Darter [00:41:34]:
one to step out and do that. You reap the benefit of it, and so does the other person.
Erin [00:41:40]:
Yeah. I've been a part of a homeschool support group for basically the whole time we've been homeschooling. And there was a mom on one of the Facebook groups chatting and saying, you know, I've been to this group before, and none of the moms ever approached me and said hi. And I just said, well, how many moms did you say hi to? And she was like, well, none. And I said, well, you can't assume that just because there's a lot of moms there that they all know each other or that they're not their first time there as well. So if no one said hi to you, then what whose job is it to feel connected? And so that kind of I don't know. She probably hates me now for being so out there. But it was just one of those things where it's like, you know, I or I can I can see different moms in the homeschool community, and they're in all the different same groups as me? And and I see them saying, well, my kids don't have friends, and I don't have friends.
Erin [00:42:28]:
And I'm like, well, first off, are you canceling every time you make a commitment? Are you showing up? Are you participating? Are you volunteering? Are you serving? Or you know? And and I know and I'm not saying I'm not judging. I'm not saying, like, every mom has to be hyper involved. But Yes. If we're gonna complain about friendships and and like you said, what can I do? Well, I can introduce myself to the mom standing by the snack set, the homeschool support meeting. Yeah.
Larissa Darter [00:42:53]:
I think everyone's afraid of rejection. Right? We don't wanna, like, put ourselves out there and then be like, oh, they did are they gonna like me or they didn't talk to me and then we feel defeated. But that's a scarcity mindset. Right? We go in there fearful. Again, it's that fight or flight that I talk about in the book. And so putting yourself out there, giving them the chance, likely, they're just as worried about that as you, that they're gonna be rejected. We're all feeling the same way. We spend more times worrying about ourselves and how we're being perceived than the people across from us.
Larissa Darter [00:43:24]:
So keep that in mind when you go go out there.
Erin [00:43:26]:
Yeah. Okay. So to wrap up, I have loved this discussion, but I wanna give some hope to moms. You know? Like, we can talk about our struggles all day long. We all have a billion struggles. Like, raising my hand here. Yes. Two of the tools that you use are acronyms.
Erin [00:43:41]:
One the first one is AVP, and the other one is WAVE. Do you wanna talk about those just two strategies not to overwhelm? Because like you said, there's a million tools in the toolbox, and I highly recommend one of the tools being Prosper and Motherhood, the book that you wrote, because you talk about these things in there as well as, like you said, you have resources in the back.
Larissa Darter [00:43:59]:
Yeah. So AVP is an acronym, and this is the counseling mental health tool at the end of the chapter. Every chapter has practical tools, prosperous mama affirmations to meet you right where you're at, and then a prayer specific to that concern addressed in the chapter for encouragement. And so, the AVP model is addressing the inner critic or the negative self talk that we have when we're feeling defeated or putting ourselves down. So, the A stands for acknowledge. We're going to acknowledge how you're feeling. Your feelings and judgment about yourself are not facts. And oftentimes, we feel if I'm feeling this way, it must be true.
Larissa Darter [00:44:35]:
Really, that's the opposite. Right? Feelings are not facts. So we're gonna accept that those feelings are there, that they're valid. And then the v is validate them, that, yeah, this is a difficult situation. It's normal to feel overwhelmed and stressed at times. That makes sense to feel that way in a difficult situation, and it makes sense to have big emotions about it. But it does not invalidate how you're feeling. You're not bad for feeling that way.
Larissa Darter [00:44:59]:
You're not terrible or insignificant for struggling with those feelings. And then the P is permit. Permit yourself to have those feelings and thoughts and those responses to those challenging stressors. So, versus avoiding or shoving it down or bypassing it, I'm saying this is Okay to go through that process if it's grief or loneliness or whatever the big emotion is. And then once you do that, it's easier to move on into the problem solving mode of what steps can I take to fix this from here? So that's the ADT model. Okay. So the WAVE acronym, I really love this one because it sounds like what it is. WAVE, we imagine a big wave and your emotions.
Larissa Darter [00:45:41]:
Right? There's crashing in. It's big. It's full throttle. It's overwhelming, and we're trying to not not drown by the the big feelings or the stressors going on around us. So in the WAVE acronym, the W means welcome your feelings and reactions and being open to the sensations and the thoughts and urges that come from those, but we're not being reactive. We're just welcoming them, being like, hey. They're here. I'm aware of that.
Larissa Darter [00:46:07]:
Things attending fully to each moment rather than living in the past or future. So, instead of getting caught up in what happened previously or worrying about the what ifs in the future, what's going on right now in this present moment, and naming the feelings in this present moment. V is validating. So, we have that validating again that it's okay to be feeling this way, and finding truth in your experience by understanding your beliefs and your thoughts. So that's gonna take us back to those values that we talked about and also the bodily sensations. We talked a little bit about the nervous system today, but when I'm having a big feeling, what is going on in my nervous system or my physical symptoms? Am I sweating? Do I feel tense and tired or achy? Noticing those, validating them. That was a. Did I do v? Yes.
Larissa Darter [00:47:00]:
That was v. Alright. Validate. And then we have e, exhale. So you're gonna let go of the emotions, or the resistance from feeling them. So the AVP and the wave model are very similar, just a little bit different process, but they all allow us to accept the feeling instead of trying to reject it or ignore it or pretend like it's not there. And then I attend to that. I notice how the emotion makes me feel, how it makes me think, what kind of behaviors it's creating, what kind of sensations I'm feeling in my body.
Larissa Darter [00:47:32]:
And then I'm gonna validate it saying it's okay to feel this way. And then the e is that breath work exhale, take a breath, know yourself, figure out, what you need to do next in your situation, and you won't ever get to that problem solving until you get to that awareness piece first. So when I become aware, then I can problem solve.
Erin [00:47:55]:
Yeah. I love that. Those things were really helpful reminders for me because, I've been in a really busy season of my life. You know, we work, we've got the show me homeschool business. We've got homeschooling. I've got one graduating this year. Just a lot of things happening. And so just taking that pause, taking time to read a book, that's a very good self care thing for me.
Erin [00:48:16]:
That's one of my favorite hobbies. And so I really appreciate you coming on today, Larissa. I've learned a lot, and I hope that this is encouraging and helpful and some tools that the listeners can apply to their lives so that they can be prospering in their motherhood.
Larissa Darter [00:48:32]:
Thank you so much for having me. Yes. And I hope that moms, if they read the book, they that's a form of self care. Right? Taking a little bit of time, a few pages at a time, and then thinking thoughtfully with the reflection questions. There's a lot of things you can learn and grow through and grow from, with the guide if you follow this book. So thank you so much for letting me be able to talk about it and just share what I'm passionate about and, allowing time here to benefit homeschool moms. Yeah. You're welcome.
Larissa Darter [00:49:00]:
So where can they buy your book and where can they find you online or if they would like to book a session with you for counseling? My website is www.prospercounsel.com. On there, you can book a consultation. I have free consultations available before we schedule for therapy. And I have free resources and downloads, other mental health tools on there on my online shop. I have, a book page there where you can order from or you can go directly to Amazon and order there. Type in Prosper in Motherhood. And then I'm on Instagram at larissa dot darter and Facebook, Prosper Counsel.
Erin [00:49:44]:
Awesome. Well, thank you. And I I I love you, Larissa. I any homeschool mom that's listening, I think it's super special that Larissa's got all the qualifications and certifications that she has to be a counselor, not just for you as a woman and a mom, but also as a homeschool mom and having that perspective because, like, you know, that's we're such a little niche group of people and to have a a therapist, someone who has the science and the bible backing her and her, her practice is just a real a real treat. So, look forward to
Larissa Darter [00:50:20]:
Oh, thank you. I know you're very passionate about all those things too. Women taking care of themselves and helping moms in their homeschool journey. So thank you for the work that you do too.
Erin [00:50:29]:
Thank you. Well, we will talk to you again soon. Hopefully, we'll have to have you back on. To learn more about booking one on one or group homeschool coaching sessions with us, upcoming events, see our speaking schedule, or to get access to more resources, be sure to check out our website, www.showmehomeschool.com and sign up for our weekly This episode was sponsored by Podcast with Faith, our favorite Christian podcast production company.