A Dad’s Role in Homeschooling
Summary:
Are you a homeschool dad looking for support and resources? In this episode, Erin and Joe delve into the important role of dads in home education. Sharing their own experiences and challenges, they discuss the initial expectations, pressures, and misconceptions they had about homeschooling. From expecting homeschooling to replicate public school to placing unrealistic expectations on their spouse and children, Joe and Erin candidly address the common struggles faced by dads in the homeschooling journey. However, they also offer hope and encouragement, emphasizing the need for authentic relationships and connections within the homeschool community as well as creating a sustainable and individualized learning lifestyle at home.
Links and Resources:
Erin and Joe will be teaching the Education 2 track, "Homeschooling 101" (all things homeschooling!) at the Networkers TEC (Teach, Equip, Connect) ministry training conference called "Help for the Local Church - Rescuing the Next Generation," on Saturday, October 28th, 2023 at the First Baptist Church of Belton, Missouri. For more information and to register, visit www.networkerstec.com
Connect with Erin and Joe at Show Me Homeschool:
Show Me Homeschool Website
On Instagram, @show.me.homeschool
On Pinterest, @showmehomeschool
Be sure to leave a rating and review, and subscribe so you never miss an episode! For questions or comments email us: info@showmehomeschool.com
Transcript:
Joe [00:00:01]:
Welcome back to the Show Me Homeschool podcast. Today, we're gonna be highlighting a dad's role in homeschooling, but first, Erin has an announcement.
Erin [00:00:10]:
Yes. Joe and I will be speaking at the Networkers TEC Connection conference called Children and Teen Ministry Training, Saturday, October 28th from 11:30 to 6 at the First Baptist of Belton, Missouri. There will also be art classes for ages 8 and up for your children. And our topic is on homeschooling 101. So if you are just starting out and you're in the Kansas City area, October 28th, we would love to see you at the conference. Details will be included on our show notes and our website. So look for those. I'm Erin.
Joe [00:00:49]:
And I'm Joe.
Erin [00:00:49]:
We're the hosts of the Show Me Homeschool podcast Where we guide parents through the wilderness of home education. Each weekly episode will focus on supporting and encouraging homeschool moms and dads through conversational interviews with like minded Christian leaders in the homeschool community.
Joe [00:01:06]:
In our experience, we've seen the lack of resources and support available for homeschool dads, So we want to address that by covering relevant topics concerning husbands and fathers as they lead their families through this lifestyle of home education.
Erin [00:01:19]:
We understand the need for creating connections and building authentic relationships to sustain a healthy homeschool environment for yourself and your children.
Joe [00:01:28]:
Our goal is not to show you how to replicate our homeschool, but to show you how you can create a home learning lifestyle that is sustainable for your family.
Erin [00:01:36]:
Show Me Homeschool is here to come alongside you. Alright. Today's episode, we're talking about dad's Role in homeschooling. So Joe, I'm just gonna jump right in and ask you, what did you think your role would be initially when we started homeschooling?
Joe [00:01:55]:
So trying to think back, 12 years is a little bit tough, but I and we've kind of touched on this in our bio and some other podcasts, But to kinda reiterate, I didn't have hardly any exposure at all to homeschooling. So I really didn't know a lot of what to expect, but I think I fell into a mindset of expecting public school to be brought home. You know, homeschool is gonna look a lot like public school with textbooks, worksheets, grading desks that, you know, if we set up a room or whatever that it would have similar posters and everything that it would look just like maybe a public school classroom. So it was probably well, I know it caused a lot of stress in our homeschool and our marriage because we eventually found, I think, both of us, that that did not work very well. Would you agree?
Erin [00:02:48]:
Yes. But I'll also add that the 1st year homeschooling, I was super insecure And did not think that I had the skills or ability to do it. So we ended up settling on a boxed Curriculum that came with every subject at grade level because, you know, that's so important. And
Joe [00:03:09]:
Could you be sarcastic?
Erin [00:03:10]:
I'm so being sarcastic. But yeah, that's where we started. So you wanna talk about what you saw in our 1st days of homeschooling and how I was incorporating the box into our day?
Joe [00:03:22]:
Right? And I think, to step back a little bit on something that you said was the fact that you were really insecure and not real confident in being able to homeschool. I'd I think I saw that as well, so it kinda made me nervous. There was I don't wanna say doubt, but there you know, I was definitely on the lookout for, can Aaron do this on a daily basis? Is she able to handle it? Is the work gonna get done? For the boys at the time. We just had our 2 boys. Are they gonna be able to actually learn and get what they need out of it? So there was definitely a a period of me standing back and just observing, is this gonna actually work? Is this gonna actually happen? But the yeah. Then to touch on the whole box curriculum, It made sense to me because it it did again look like more so the public school. Here's all these books as we had multiple boxes of books and worksheets and all that stuff, and then you got a bunch of supply school supplies to go along with that and all the organization.
Erin [00:04:24]:
The science kit.
Joe [00:04:26]:
Right. So that kinda made me feel a little bit better. Like, oh, you know, maybe we're on the right track. But the problem for me as a dad was those some of those box curriculums were really expensive, 100 of dollars. And each year in our early years, That was a lot of heartache for me personally was, oh my gosh. This is a lot of money. Can we actually afford this? Erin, are you really using all of this stuff?
Erin [00:04:54]:
Mhmm.
Joe [00:04:54]:
Because it it made me nervous to write that check or pay for those things at the time.
Erin [00:04:59]:
Right. So I felt a lot of pressure that if we've invested what little money we had in something that was supposed to last the whole school year, Am I gonna actually use it? So feeling that pressure, because that was the expectation is if we're gonna spend the money on this, we need to definitely be using a 100% of it. And so That kind of came into play with our discussions after school hours and we're evaluating, is this going okay? So
Joe [00:05:24]:
It's It's not just discussions, but arguments.
Erin [00:05:27]:
Right. I
Joe [00:05:28]:
again, going back to the fact that I expected homeschooling more so and the early years to look like Public school, if you weren't using the curriculum a 100% or I didn't see a bunch of worksheets done and grading done, If I question the boys and they couldn't answer certain questions, I had a lot of pressure on you guys to use the curriculum to its fullest because I paid for it Right. Out of my one income as a dad.
Erin [00:05:54]:
Let's ponder there for a second because let's do a reminder. At the time, our boys were 6 and 4. And so when we think about homeschooling now and that pressure, it's a regret that I you've expressed. So do you wanna talk a little bit about How that pressure shaped our atmosphere of home education. Right.
Joe [00:06:16]:
And and I was gonna try and get to that as well as that I I do have a lot of regrets for putting that kind of pressure on you and the boys. It was not fair. It wasn't realistic at all. Put a lot of strain on our marriage, because it kinda came down to I had a mindset of an expectations of how things were would look, and you weren't meeting it. The boys weren't meeting it. So that came out in how I addressed you guys, especially if it was around school. I would come home from work, You know, see, maybe in my view that things weren't done or weren't done enough. You guys didn't spend enough time on something, In my opinion, I wasn't even there.
Joe [00:07:00]:
How unrealistic is that? That's so that was so stupid. But I think that was a lot of stress on our homeschooling, our marriage, and our family with those expectations. That was something that I would go back and definitely change my mindset if I could.
Erin [00:07:16]:
Well, and that's something that we are changing. We have a large age gap between our 2nd youngest and our youngest of 8 years. And so she is just at that same age where The boys were when we started homeschooling, and the expectation level of her performance of school, reading, learning, Opening all of the workbooks and things like she's not a workbook type person. No. She's more hands on, and so I feel like it's kind of nice when you do have a larger family or a large age spread that you Almost get a chance to redeem the things that you did poorly in the beginning with the other kids. So let's talk about the pivot point About your expectations and maybe give an example of how your expectations played out in your words and Thoughts about our homeschooling?
Joe [00:08:10]:
Sure. So I think we've talked about some examples, but one that comes to mind is when I would come home from work And I would see you guys maybe just like on the coach reading books, and I would be like a little bit dismayed and go, Well, what did you guys get done today? And so, well, we read some books. You know, we we baked some cookies. We went to the zoo, and I'm sitting here thinking, okay. But did you use the curriculum that I paid 100 of dollars for with My one income, you know, I was still operating out of a public school mindset as well as kind of a fear based mindset of, can I for this as a 1 income, family? Like, I I was really operating out of fear instead of trust and confidence in you in what home education could really look like from a freedom standpoint. I don't know if you agree with that example or not, but
Erin [00:09:07]:
Yeah. I think it was difficult when, you know, we would be reading on the couch lots of books because I really appreciated living books and wanted My kids to have that experience of imagination and, but also learning at the same time. And so if we would read something and it's like, bing, You know, they ate this thing in the book, and then I would try to find a recipe for that thing. It was very interest led learning, but we weren't even aware that that was a term At the time, it was just something that I was naturally doing with the kids. And so it was almost like I thought that the curriculum was a jumping point For the education and you felt like the curriculum was the education.
Joe [00:09:47]:
Right. I was still very focused on home education being all about academics. And if if we couldn't quantify it, couldn't be graded, couldn't be seen in a worksheet or writing or math homework, whatever, I thought we were failing. And so by, extension, I thought you were failing. I thought I was failing the family. This whole thing was a failure. Mhmm. So there was definitely some stressful times early on, stressful conversations until I started to adjust my mindset.
Erin [00:10:21]:
Okay. Let's talk about that. So what did you do or what was the catalyst for that change and shift in your ideas on what home education was?
Joe [00:10:29]:
Right? I think part of it was starting to actually see progress, starting to actually see our boys learning. So they they started to be able to read. They started to be able to do math. So it was succeeding even though we were a little bit rigid with our curriculum and our schedule and stuff. They were definitely making a pro making progress. I think The other part is that over the course of a few years, you and I talk about everything, and we had extensive conversations about and arguments about what's working and what's not. And we've touched on this before in other podcasts about trust and communication is that We weren't always communicating very well. Mhmm.
Joe [00:11:15]:
I I had expectations that we've already talked about. You had expectations of how it would look yourself, But you were with the boys during the day. Generally, I was not. So you you started, to really see what was working and what was not. And I had to trust you on those observations. I had to trust your thought processes and your research, And when you would talk with friends or commiserate with friends or your support groups, I had to trust what was coming out of your mouth or the tears streaming down your pace that, hey, this isn't working. This is working. I need your support.
Joe [00:11:56]:
Eventually, I got that through my thick skull, I think, and started to be more trusting of the process, more trusting of, everything that we just, or I just mentioned, what you were seeing, what was working and what was not.
Erin [00:12:12]:
Yeah, Definitely. And a big elephant that we haven't even discussed yet is, you know, a common seer that homeschoolers have is what if someone calls Children services on our family or whatever. We were actually training and became foster parents right at the same time that we began our home education journey. So we already had caseworkers, licensing workers, nurse case managers. We had the state in our house The entire 1st part of our home education, and that was nerve wracking to us. But it was really good because, you know, This could be a whole other episode, but homeschooling out of fear. And what that did for us was we were able to then educate Some of these people that came into our homes of, you know, yeah, we we homeschool our kids. They knew that we homeschooled.
Erin [00:13:04]:
They were supportive of it actually. In a lot of cases, they were interested in it because a lot of the people that were in our homes through the state with fostering had not been exposed to home education. And so for me to be, you know, schooling the kids during the day in the middle of appointments with some of the kids we were fostering or having their caseworker come to the house while I'm saying, hey, can you go do your math worksheet? And they were seeing this process. It was kind of funny to me because I've talked to so many homeschooling parents that that's a huge concern that the state would come in and, you know, Be aware that they're homeschooling and yet that was the reality of our homeschool from the beginning was the state knew we were homeschooling.
Joe [00:13:45]:
So I think that added to some of the fear that we had better be showing, you know, with worksheets and quantifying all of our homeschooling during that time. I definitely put that pressure on you because I, again, was operating out of fear that, oh, they would they're gonna ask all these questions, and they're gonna interview us and the kids. And are you actually learning and ask all these, well, what's the 3rd president? You know, whatever kind of questions to our kids, and if they couldn't answer it, you know, our homeschooler would be brought into question and us as parents. And then the other part was we lived across directly across from an elementary school, and we had friends As teachers at that, school say, oh, hey, Aaron. I saw that, you guys were leaving at this time, or I saw you guys out playing in the front yard, you know, in the middle of the school day, and the playground and stuff was right across from our yard. So they would kick balls over the fence and Ask our kids, hey, kid. Can you throw that back? And we're sitting here going, oh, shoot. The whole public school System is seeing our kids at home, not at school, in the middle of the day, outside playing or outside leaving all the time and you're not schooling.
Erin [00:15:05]:
You're not,
Joe [00:15:05]:
you're not doing what you should and you're, well, you're gonna, we're gonna call parent services Does your you know, your homeschool is gonna be called into question again. So once again, we're operating out of fear of what people think, we better, you know, put our nose to the grindstone with curriculum and records and all this stuff. So I put that pressure on you guys for sure. You put it on yourself, I think.
Erin [00:15:30]:
Definitely. Yeah. I don't want you to hear that, like, Joe made me miserable in our homeschool. Not
Joe [00:15:35]:
at all.
Erin [00:15:36]:
It was mutually like we were figuring it out. And if anything we say today helps encourage you, like, we're addressing some of the concerns and fears That a lot of people have expressed to us, whether from the husband's side of things with the finances or the mom's concerns of not doing enough And, you know, CPS being called on your family, you know, those are legitimate concerns, very legitimate, but they can't be ruling your homeschool either. So when your mindset shifted, what did your support look like in our homeschool?
Joe [00:16:08]:
So it became, definitely much more of an engaged, supportive role, when I started to trust you, started to trust the process, Started to trust that the boys were actually learning. Stopped operating out of fear. I started engaging more with what you needed, academically. The boys were getting older too where they needed some help with math and other stuff, so I would try and jump in with that. I would try and jump in with Field trips whenever I could, hiking trips or whatever. I tried to really engage in a way that was not a, Well, we've decided to homeschool, and Erin's taken this on. It's her thing. And I've heard guys say that.
Joe [00:16:53]:
We've heard, other moms say that about their husbands, and I'm not trying to dog anyone or beat anyone over the head, but that really is a it's a Bad mindset. It's it's a harmful mindset to say, well, my family homeschools, but that's my wife's thing. And I just I go to work, you know, I'm a 1 income family probably. So I feel this tremendous pressure to Do really well at my job. Keep my job, especially through hard times that we've had in the last 20 years in this country. I I don't have the time, energy, focus to to help out with that. That sort of thing. And I'm here to tell you that that is That's a harmful mindset, and you're you're gonna have to really shift into something else to say, this is an entire family decision.
Joe [00:17:41]:
Mhmm. It is and it it can't be segregated into just, well, here's our personal life, here's my work life, and then here's our homeschool. And it's segregated to its own room in the house and its own timetable and its own schedule. And We don't, you know, treat it basically like public school where it's a drop off pickup scenario, and that just does not work. And I think once I shift it into the whole day is learning, and I need to be available whenever possible for my wife, for my kids to be able to to educate not just academically, but character, spiritually, emotionally, physical education, stuff like that.
Erin [00:18:29]:
Right. And I think For me, when it came to your support as the husband and the father of the family, there were things that I was doing as well that Didn't make it easy for you to want to engage in our homeschool. And I think a lot of that came down to me Frequently going to you with how hard my day was. And not that you didn't want to hear that, But you weren't in the same position. It would be like someone from your job going to complain to you about their role in the company, but you don't have that position or any authority to help fix that. So what was really helpful, I think, in shifting that mindset from you too is that I didn't Choose to go to you with a lot of the complaints. I would start talking to my friends about what was or wasn't working a lot so that they could then help Show me and mentor me in how to implement some changes in our homeschool so that I was more successful. So that when I was Being more successful and you aren't hearing me complaining so much, you weren't trying to be like, well, then, you know, let's just stop because you're obviously very stressed and this isn't working and Our kids are stressed.
Erin [00:19:38]:
I'm coming home and you're ready to, like, get out for the night or something.
Joe [00:19:42]:
Right.
Erin [00:19:42]:
So there were things that I was doing when it came to, like, either Nagging you about something that had to do with homeschool or complaining about my days to the point that you're like, you sound miserable. Right. And You didn't wanna come home and see a miserable wife. And there are seasons of things that happen where it is miserable, quite honestly. But when it was a pattern of every day seems miserable, and that was something that I had to work on because I really wanted your support. I wanted you to come home and say, Wow. It looks like you guys did a lot of great, cool things today and, you know, you had a lot of fun and that was one of the things that I think helped You behind the scenes was me coming to a point of, wait a second. I get it.
Erin [00:20:26]:
And and that actually came from a seasoned homeschool mom, you know. She's like, guys wanna fix And your husband wants to fix the situation if he sees you hurting or, you know.
Joe [00:20:35]:
Right. And I think that is a really good point. And I think the cycle that Happened was just what you said. I wanted to help fix things. So when I came home and more consistently than not, you were complaining about homeschool and gave a bunch of examples. Well, this kid just isn't getting this, and our schedule just isn't working here, and the curriculum is just driving me crazy. Whatever it is, I would try and jump in and fix things, and that's not necessarily what you wanted. You wanted me just to hear you out be supportive.
Joe [00:21:08]:
Like, in marriage in general, you don't want me necessarily to fix things. It's just be understanding. Be supportive of me. So we got in this vicious cycle where I would do something that you didn't want me to do, and then I'm sitting here trying to fix things and make it better for you, and it's not helping, and everyone is miserable, and I'm going, well, why are we even doing this? Basically, what you already alluded to. And then that Is me not leading our family really well? Because it's from the top, I have real doubts about the success of our homeschool, or is this worth it? As far as your stress levels, my money going to curriculum and all this stuff, Let's just stop. And then then that's we've already touched on that. That's harmful. That was not a great place to be in for anyone.
Joe [00:21:59]:
So we did get into kind of a vicious cycle for a while. And I think, like you said, if you can get the support outside of me, which was appropriate, You would go to your friends, get help, and the very things that they completely understood, which I really didn't, that helped tremendously. So we would definitely encourage moms to do that and encourage dads. Find other homeschool dads that you can complain to, gripe about, you know, I'm not advocating for gossip and trashing your wives or anything else. But there is a healthy level of support that you need to be able to get things off your chest, process,
Erin [00:22:40]:
Problem solve.
Joe [00:22:41]:
Problem solve. Have people support and understand where you're coming in from and and say, Oh yeah. We've been there multiple times. It gets better, Joe. It, you know, we'll pray for you. That is super important.
Erin [00:22:56]:
Mhmm. So, yeah, we, we definitely want to wrap up this episode with an encouraging word that All the things we're talking about, maybe our situations are different. We have different pain points. We have different struggles with finances or different struggles with our marriages or with our children when we homeschool them. But the point is you guys have to be a team, to make it work. And when it comes to communication, a lot of our problems were simply Not communicating the expectations. So if you're new to homeschooling, maybe take a second with your spouse and say, hey, here's what I think school looks like at home. Here's what I think that the goal should be and maybe have those sessions.
Erin [00:23:44]:
And we've had several discussions on what is the purpose of doing this at home because it is. It's a lot of commitment on both partners.
Joe [00:23:53]:
Yes.
Erin [00:23:54]:
And it's a lot of commitment Within the family, you know, you've got to keep the house running while you're also doing the education piece. And so we really wanted to encourage you, Have a dialogue. If if things if you're finding yourself in
Joe [00:24:05]:
the cycle dialogue.
Erin [00:24:07]:
Yes. But if you're finding yourself in the cycle we just described where Maybe you're frustrated. You're going to your husband. He's not helping, but he thinks he's helping or, you know, you're very frustrated. Have that conversation about expectations And goals, and why are we homeschooling? And go back to those reasons.
Joe [00:24:22]:
And what each person's role is.
Erin [00:24:24]:
Right. Define that.
Joe [00:24:26]:
Right. Maybe your wife is not really fulfilling the role that she should, and maybe a homeschool dad, you're not. Maybe you really aren't being supportive than you think you are. Maybe you're not really being engaged
Erin [00:24:39]:
in fixing support. And it can be eased with a simple question of what does support look like for you? Because if you keep hitting that wall and you're frustrated about homeschooling, but you know that you wanna do it in your heart, maybe it is just, you know, husband. What is your expectation of the day? Or what's one thing that I could do to show you, you know, the this is still worthwhile? Or he could maybe ask Those questions because a lot of like I said, the things that we have had come up in our homeschool had to do with we just didn't know what the other person was thinking. And after a lot of arguing and then having like a statement come out of like, I just didn't feel supported when you said this thing, Then, oh, well I was saying that like, because I felt like this, oh, I, I know that you have my best interest in, in heart.
Joe [00:25:28]:
And I would say that just like we've touched on multiple times is that homeschool is not just segregated into academics and education, that it truly is a whole lifestyle and mindset. And so with that, his husbands have to be not only engaged in the academics in the education that your marriage impacts the education. Mhmm. Your job Schedule your job, finances, everything affects everything else. It truly is all intertwined. So if one part of, your life is suffering. Likely, the rest of it will as well, including home education. So it does come down to, homeschool dads need to to lead in their families as best they can, Get support from other homeschool dads, especially veterans, if you can find them.
Erin [00:26:22]:
Mhmm.
Joe [00:26:22]:
That's really important. And and realize that everything affects everything else. So work on the things that are struggling and I guarantee that everything else, will improve.
Erin [00:26:35]:
Yeah. So thank you for listening. If you have any questions or comments, you can email us at info@showmehomeschool.com. This episode was sponsored by Podcast with Faith, our favorite Christian podcast production company. For more information, visit them at www.podcastwithfaith.com.
To learn more about booking 1 on 1 or group Homeschool coaching sessions with us, upcoming events, see our speaking schedule, or to get access to more resources. Be sure to check out our website, w w w.showmeschool.com and sign up for our weekly newsletter. You can also follow us on Instagram @show.me.homeschool on Pinterest at @showmehomeschool or email us at info at show me homeschool.com.